Last modified: 2011-11-24 (work in progress). Epistemic state: fiction.

You awake in front of a great lake of fire. Before you can orient yourself, something that looks like a demon gives you a booklet and says, “Here, read this. And pay attention. You’re next.”

Welcome to Catuṣkoṭi Naraka, the great Hell of Contradictions! All those that have held self-contradictory beliefs or have acted against them in full knowledge are tortured here, until Great King Yamāntaka brings forth the End Of Death Itself, leading all beings to joyful cessation.

But fear not! You are not one of the damned. You have been incarnated in the ranks of the demons who bring to light the contradictions that rest within all corrupt mortals. This is a great opportunity! An amazing career awaits you. You may even be promoted into the King’s own court, where the most patient of demons lead the worst of all corruptors into contradiction, thus damning them till the end of times. Maybe you will even be the one who brings down Nāgārjuna, the Despot of Delusion himself!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Right now, you work for His Left Hand. He has claimed your soul Himself, and by doing so, He has proven his trust in your abilities. He has spared you from the drudgery of contradicting politicians and other transparent liars. Instead, your target will be the religious flocks and their elaborate theologies. One day, we may expand into philosophy, too. His Left Hand has expressed great interest in this area after His recent fiddling victory. But the Erisian Conspiracy is doing a good job with those pesky philosophers already, so we aren’t in a big hurry.

Your job is it to seek out the believers His Left Hand has chosen for damnation and make them contradict themselves. Unfortunately, you aren’t allowed to trick them. The Great King doesn’t like that. Some old Chinese sage convinced him that one cannot morally believe a contradiction, or some such. The details are ancient history. Anyway, so they have to contradict themselves, in all honesty and sincerity. They have to willingly embrace a contradiction.

Sounds hard? Don’t worry! This is what this book is for! In cooperation with the Koan Studies Institute, we, the Assembly of Kerghan, have assembled a comprehensive list of theological positions you will encounter in the wild, and various approaches to lead their adherents into contradiction. Damnation has never been easier! Just follow these recommendations and you will fulfill your soul quota in no time!

The Devil’s Guide to Theology

blog comments powered by Disqus
blog » fiction » devil's guide to theology